Dump

This is where I am supposed to put an entry, but I don't know what to say. I'm having trouble thinking, and thinking things through.

For instance, I could talk about how the overbearing parts of me got hold of me again, and I tried to help a friend way, way too hard, and ended up hurting her feelings when I meant to soothe them. Now I'm stuck trying to find a way to apologize without opening the wound further. Even worse, it's just made me feel overbearing towards myself instead of anyone else. I have very little confidence in terms of friendships anyway, because I am a very intense person by nature and I naturally drive people away with my intensity. I know this, and sometimes I'm helpless to control it. One the one hand, I am as I am. On the other, after 40+ decades walking the planet you'd think I could learn to shut the *&%#% up.

Nope.

So that's one stressor.

I could talk about how my youngest started a summer session of school last week, and it's been a roller coaster helping her understand that when it's time to go to school, we have to go. It's not an option. I enrolled her in this School Sneak Preview because I knew this would come up. My youngest deigns to allow us to raise her; she would like everyone -- and I mean everyone -- to know that she is in fact a royal pixie who hails from a realm far less mundane and annoying than this one, and she is quite certain she shouldn't be forced to follow this one's boring and encroaching rules if she's in the mood to do so.

Montgomery County Schools doesn't agree with her, and neither do her mundane and annoying parents.

I could talk about how the entire industry my spouse works in is going belly up and we're horribly financially compromised by the fallout, and how we are on pins and needles throughout every month because we don't know if we'll get paid.

Actually, I can't. I'm not allowed. But I'm stressing a lot over that too. And in case you're wondering, internet stays on in this household because the spouse uses it to make and maintain contacts. It's a tool I get to use too, not a luxury.

This is on top of the regular stuff, like the new glasses that are so different I'm nauseated, or the fact that I can't figure out what everyone will actually eat for dinner because I have a houseful of foodies living on a ramen noodle budget. Did I mention the copious food allergies requiring expensive, special ingredients? My laundry is piled up and my dishes are piled up because I can't concentrate long enough to do more than the minimum. And yes, I'm lazy too. I'm pretty open about that.

Oh, and one more thing. Children and their friendships and where they will play for the afternoon are a constant source of compromise, and in my case, extreme guilt. I never feel like I am on an equal footing with any mom, because my spouse's environment allergies are so severe we can almost never have other kids over -- too much scented shampoo, conditioner, laundry detergent on other people, and the spouse has a migraine and a nosebleed. So my children play everywhere, and their friends have to be shown where they are, which leads to kids wandering all over the neighborhood, and I feel awful. But I'm between a rock and a hard place, and I have to endure other moms thinking I am a jerk, because people really don't understand, and I have to do it so that my home life is not a nightmare. I'm doing that dance today too.

None of this has to do with writing, obviously, and so no writing is getting done. I can't write when I think it's a job. Unless I feel like I can safely be sucked into what I'm creating, I can't create. So nothing about writing and what I think of it today. I don't have the stamina, and I have way too much guilt.