Random Thought Time #2

I'm having one of those days when I wish I was anyone but me. It's not depression or anger. It's that the emotional grass looks so much greener over there. In the jargon, it's called comparing my insides to other people's outsides. I do that.

See, the last time I had random thoughts they were about competence. Today, they're about standing for what I think is right now matter what. No, don't get excited, it's nothing legal or gigantic or anything. What I mean is, being myself in the face of other people's disapproval. Or dislike. Or maybe when they are annoyed by me, or offended by me, or threatened.

I'm unwell enough to take that last one as a compliment. I'm assuming there's hope for me, though.

But really, sometimes all of us have to stand up and be who we are even when those around us don't like it. I hate that. It's uncomfortable, it's awkward, it makes me feel like I'm the crazy one. I think I'm like the 8 million of my closest pals who would rather been seen as a 'good' person than as my own person.

Except, written out like that, it takes on it's own meaning.

My. Own. Person.

Not owned by anyone else's opinion, not held hostage by anyone else's good graces. Me, answerable only to me -- unless its legal, and then the courts too.

And that changes things. Who am I to assign someone else the responsibility of my actions? Who are they to demand it? Why do I care how I'm 'seen' at all? That last one is the crux of the issue. If my feelings are internal things -- and especially if my self-esteem is an internal thing -- why am I always checking its progress outside myself?

My. Own. Person.

It sounds so obvious, I should work up some embarrassment about this. I really should. Someday.


You know, this entry originally started out as a little drabble on how words are often more than the sum of their parts -- mostly because I didn't know where to take it from there. I can give you directions to the store but I can't really explain what I mean by that. I think, though, I may have just experienced it.

Did I mention that today is Japan's Bean Throwing Festival? Go on. Enjoy yourselves.

xx mm