So I updated the story this weekend, on Saturday, and my regular readers were wonderful about it. They really seem to love the story. One person called it 'pure magic'!
Can you imagine? That sound you hear is me bouncing with excitement!
But I'm putting it this way for a reason, if it sounds like I don't believe them. Of course I believe them, that this is what they think of the story. And yet...I have trust issues. Not that I don't trust the readers, and I most certainly trust the characters. That's the funny thing, I just realized. I have a friend who is worried about not getting to know her characters, but it occurs to me while I'm typing here that the real issue for me -- I don't know about her -- but the real issue for me is that I have to trust them to know themselves. Get out of their way and let them do their thing.
My trust issues are all around two things. First, I don't sit down believing I can replicate the previous level of work. I have learned to trust, a little, that I will know what the characters do next when I start to let them do it. And I have learned to trust that I will know when I am forcing my solutions on them, instead of letting them work it out on their own, so I will know when to rip out clunky passages. Now I have no idea if any other person who ever attempted to write feels this way. I just know this the working method I can manage. But what I don't trust is that I will ever be able to weave this alleged magic again, that I will sit down one day and suddenly be writing not a novel but an insurance report.
My biggest trust issue, though, is believing that I can have this level of success and praise, and not somehow be damned by having it. That, I think, is a particularly religious way of looking at things -- ironic in that I am not a particularly religious person. But I was raised in a family that was very traditional in this sense, and this is what it's left me with:
Enjoying success = eternal damnation
So when people compliment me, I cringe. I really do. It's easy for me to say I'm sure I don't deserve it, but the blunt f'ing truth is, sometimes I'm pretty damned sure I do. Some of these chapters I'm very proud of, and I fiercely resent this overwhelming fear I carry, that it's inherently wrong of me to be proud of them. Conversely, I recognize that this isn't a very healthy attitude either. I just don't yet know what to replace it with. In the meantime, I'm opting for thanking people profusely, which seems appropriate anyway, because no one owes me an ounce of comments. It's good and kind of them to make the effort at all. I just wish I didn't crave the comments and loathe my reaction to them at the same time.
Yeesh, what a whiner I am.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
The funny thing about comments, mm, is that what do you do when they aren't all praise? The worst comments for me, as a much less practiced writer of fic, are the ones that hint about what they want to see next. Sometimes you will get those. What if that hinted something isn't what you want to see? Personally, I need to write my entire story before posting so that I don't ever have to think about changing a thing in my grand plan. Would you change something based on comments?
Hi MK!
No, emphatically no, I would not change anything in the plot based on comments, not unless I already had reservations about it myself.
I’ve had a few ‘hint’ comments along the way myself, mostly about rushing ‘fluff’ moments. I love fluff as much as the next chick, believe me, but fluff means nothing out of context. But if i feel strongly the characters are ready for those moments, then I have to follow their lead and make readers wait. Unfortunately I think it’s cost me at least one reader. I certainly do regret it and miss the person, but I find the story falls apart if I attempt to predict what the readers want. More importantly, I find that what readers say they want only hints at what they really mean.
In other words, if I respond to hints, I'm attempting to read someone's mind.
The thing about writing is, it’s not my master plan – it’s the characters’ plans. Sometimes what I want to see doesn’t happen and I have to let it go. Stories happen when interesting people – the characters – lead their lives. If I know my characters, know what they want and how far they will go to get it, the plot itself will develop out of that. My job then is to report what they are doing and how it makes them feel, and how those feelings then influence their next decisions. Admittedly that's a quick explanation which doesn't begin to get at how difficult it can be to present that information in an entertaining way, so the reader sees the action and reactions as they happen. I'm just trying to emphasize my belief that story always starts with the characters. For myself at least, one of the hardest things to do is get out of their way and let them do what they need to do, even if I think their decisions are stupid. Sometimes, Mom needs to stand back and watch. LOL
Does that answer your question?
Post a Comment